Obsessed (Twilight Mike X reader)
by kimmykatje
Summary: Mike has been attracted to Bella as well as Jessica, but he has never considered his best friend, (Name) as a suitable lover. When he finally finds out she's been in love with him for quite some time, he falls for her as well. He loves her more than he loved Bella. He loves her more than he loved Jessica. Perhaps he loves her a little too much...
1. Chapter 1

_Author's notes:_

 _Written in Mike's POV._

 _Key:_

 _N: Name_

 _LN: Last name_

 _NN: Nickname_

 _HC: Hair colour_

 _SK: Skin colour_

 _EC: Eye colour_

 _The story takes place in the third book, Eclipse, after Mike has given up on trying to get together with Bella. He and N have been best friends since he moved to Forks eight years ago. N has been living in Forks for all her life and she likes the rain and dark weather. She's a goth girl who isn't very popular, since her peers are afraid of her. She's the only one in the school who has debated the possibility that the Cullens are vampires, but no-one believes her speculations, so the Cullen family isn't too worried about her._

* * *

The rain is smashing against the windows while we sit in silence on N's bed. I asked to come over, since I was bored. As per usual, N agreed and I came over. I glanced outside, a little disappointed. I was right on time: The rain started pouring the second I came in. Still, the dark, wet, cold weather had a visible effect on my mood, even if I had eight years to get used to the weather. Even though I only went back to California to visit my family during the vacations, I always miss the sun and the heat. N noticed my melancholy. ''Is something wrong?'' She asks, clearly worried. I shake my head. ''The rain makes me kinda sad,'' I chuckle. ''The rain?,'' She repeats, seemingly confused, ''I actually find it kind of cozy.'' I debate this for a moment. We're quiet, and I listen to the soft pitter-patter on the roof and windows. She's right. It's kind of cozy. I smile.

''Are you going to ask Jessica to prom?'' She suddenly asks me. She's turned away from me: I need to try hard to see her face. Like she doesn't want to show me her expression. She does this a lot, for some reason, especially when it comes to Jessica. I always figured it was because Jessica seemed to hate her with a passion, not holding back any snide remark that she thought of. After a while, I told N she could sit with Jeanette instead of me. At least then she'd spend time with the people she liked. I chuckle. ''That's... going to be difficult. I broke up with her a few weeks ago. She'll need some time to cool down.'' There is a silence. ''Oh.'' It sounded hurt, sad. ''Well, you'll find someone else to ask, won't you? There are lots of girls who'd like to go to prom with you.'' She chuckles. I gulp. Something about the way she said it makes me feel guilty, as if I'm the one who hurt her. As if it's my fault she's sad. ''I'm... not sure about that,'' I mumble, ''Angela has Ben... and I don't really know other girls.'' The rain has slowed, only a small pitter-patter could be heard now. ''I mean, I could always ask Tyler,'' I joke to make the mood lighter, but it doesn't seem to be working. N chuckles and gets up. ''I'm sure you'll find someone.'' Then, she walks up to her CD cabinet. ''Mind if I put something on?'' She asks and I nod. Her finger moves over the different CD's, reading the title of every one of them, trying to figure out what she wants to put in her CD player. I wonder what she'll choose? I've never actually heard the music she listens to before. I've never actually paid attention to the books she reads before. She's never really told me anything about her before.

The guilt hits me like a truck. Why? Why have I never asked her what kind of music she likes? What kind of food she likes? What her favourite animal is? Why don't I know anything about her? Aren't I supposed to be her best friend? I look back on all the time we spent together, and to my shock, I discover I haven't really asked her anything about herself. Next, I realise that her sadness towards Jessica was a bit too much to just be the desire to fit in. If she really wanted to be Jessica's and Angela's friend, she would never have started wearing black clothes and make-up. It had to be something more, something she couldn't do anything about. What was it? What was bothering her? Whenever I told her about prom, or the spring dance, about going with Jessica, she seemed... sad. Every time. I just never noticed. I give myself a mental punishment for not noticing sooner, for not being there for her when she was there for me. For not noticing her feelings. Did she... love me? She's always very cuddly with me, but then again, we've known each other for quite some time. Still, she isn't nearly as cuddly with Jeanette. Is she just more comfortable around boys? That could hardly be right. She's so stiff and awkward when she's talking to Ben or Tyler, it's almost painful. She looks at me a lot. I never noticed. I never minded. Still, this possibility is actually more likely than I thought. Am I overthinking this? Surely, I am. There's no way she's in love with me, right? Still, the pieces fit together quite easily, _too_ easily. Was it really _that_ simple, and did I just not see it? Am I really _that_ dense?

She looks back at me, a blush of embarrassment on her cheeks. Suddenly, it all makes sense to me. She's the one. She's always been the one, I just didn't know it yet. When she let me take Jessica to the spring dance and to prom, even though she knew damn well Jessica had feelings for me, she didn't protest. She only asked me if that was a good idea- _I broke her heart, and she worried about my well-being_. She's always listened to me, patiently soaking up my stories and _remembered them_ , even if they were about Jessica. Even if they hurt her. How could I've been so blind? It's like in a moment of enlightenment, I suddenly see more clearly. Her room is black, pitchblack, her furniture the darkest colour of wood available. I've never really noticed the CD cabinet right next to her bed, not really, anyway. The CD's are arranged on colour, making a rainbow in the cabinet. On her desk not a few feet away are her books for school: Perfectly covered with black covering paper, neatly arranged on size. Her notebooks are inside the books, as I already knew, but never really noticed. I envisioned the messy, curly, almost unreadable handwriting inside, and it sent a wave of excitement through me. But, the main thing I noticed was the smell. It was a casual smell, not one of perfume or scented candles, but just the smell of skin, faintly mixed with shampoo and deodorant. I've always smelled that smell, but now it really occurs to me. Now it makes me want to come closer to her, touch her warm skin. I gulp and stop myself there. I know what this feeling is. I had it for Bella, heck, I've had it for multiple girls. Just... never this strong. I've had the desire to come closer to a girl, to touch her, to hold her, but it's never been this burning in my chest. This much of a must that it almost feels wrong not to do it. I want to do so many things to her, all at once, but I know I can't. I have to keep myself under control. ''I think you might like this.'' I want to object. Not because I think I won't like it, but because I want her to put on something _she_ likes. I want to hear her favourite song. Still, my body doesn't move when she puts the disk in the black CD-player and soon enough, a harmony of electric guitar fills the room. She calmly sits down next to me. My mind shouts two different things at the same time: _Too close_ , and _come closer_. If she keeps enchanting me like this, my muscles might move without my permission to touch her...

I clench my fists. No, I won't let that happen. I won't hurt her. ''Is- is something wrong?'' She asks, eyes on my balled fists, ''Don't you like the music?'' I shake my head. I hadn't even noticed the music until now. N is all I can think about. ''Nothing's... wrong,'' I manage, trying to sound genuine. N frowns. She doesn't believe me. I gulp. ''It's just that... I'm a little cold,'' I lie. Lying to her feels so aweful. I'm hurting her. There is a stabbing pain in my chest as N gets up and throws a blanket around me. ''Th- thank you.'' She just smiles and sits back down again. The blanket around me smells like her. Shit. I should've known: everything here smells like her. My face heats up as I pull the blanket tighter around myself. _It's to make my lie look convincing,_ I tell myself, _yeah, that's it._ N seems suspicious of my reaction, but doesn't mention it. She's very mannered as well, I notice. _She's perfect!_ ''What... do you think?'' She askes instead, ''...Of the music, I mean?'' I listen intently to the riff and the lyrics for a few seconds. Not that I need time to make my decision: I like everything she likes. I want to steal all her CD's and listen to them at home, learn the lyrics by heart, but that would mean that N wouldn't have her CD's for some time. That'd make her sad. ''I like it,'' I say enthousiastically. ''You're just saying that, aren't you?'' She askes, clearly embarrassed. The fact that she takes me for someone who isn't honest makes me cringe. Then again, I've been being a horrible friend to her all this time, and I just lied to her. I mentally punish myself again. I really have a lot to make up to her. ''No, I'm not. I really like it. Honestly.'' I sound sure of myself, and she seems convinced. ''Sorry, I just... can't see you listening to this.'' I chuckle. ''What can I say? I'm a music lover.'' And I know she is, too. That makes me smile. We have something in common.

I know what I feel might be a bit too much. I know it might be unhealthy, but I'm sure it'll pass. I'm sure, in a few months, it'll all be over, and I can sleep in peace again. When I'm awake, I think about N. When I'm sleeping, I dream about her. There seems to be a bright flame in my chest that burns brightly whenever I see her. It makes me feel warm inside. It makes me want to see her more. Then, when she leaves, when I can't see her or hear her or feel her, the flame seems to scorch me. I miss her so much to the point of hurting. The more I see her, the more dependent on her I become. I know I need to do something before this escalates, but I just can't keep myself away from her. It hurts too much. It's become so severe that functioning normally when she's not around is almost impossible. The people around me haven't noticed my behaviour yet, so I must be overestimating my struggles, right? As long as I don't do anything strange or stupid, I should be fine. Yeah. I'll be fine. I'll find a balance.

''Mike, are you all right?'' Jessica asks me during lunch. I'm staring at N, watching her every movement, as usual. Nothing to get upset about. I look at her questioningly. ''Yeah, of course. I'm fine.'' ''You've been acting strange lately. We're worried.'' I look around at the others around the table: Ben, Angela, Tyler, Bella, Alice and Edward. They all have dark looks on their faces. Angela seems like she'd rather be anywhere else than in this conversation. ''I've... been acting strange?'' I ask quietly. It's better they don't know about my feelings for N. They'd be freaked out. Besides, it'll wash over. I bet, in a few months time, I'll have forgotten her... ''Yeah, very strange,'' Ben says, his voice a mix of fear and disgust, ''You've been staring at something, not making conversation like you usually do.'' I gulp. They already know this much? I take a quick glance at Edward, who seems to be knowing something that I don't. I always have a feeling that he knows more than he lets on. It's like he can read thoughts or something. A smug half-smile appears on his face. ''Is... something bothering you?'' Angela asks kindly. She sounds genuinely worried. Though nothing is inheritly wrong, I do appreciate the concern. ''No... there's just a lot on my mind right now.'' ''If you ever need someone to talk to, you know who to call,'' She says while she glances around the table. I smile and nod. ''Thanks.'' Then, I look back at N. Every little movement she makes, every breath she takes, I observe it. She never gets boring. Never.

What... am I doing? I'm standing outside N's house, looking over the front side of it. She said she already had an appointment with Jeanette. She said I couldn't come over. Why am I here? What am I doing here? I look around. The street is empty. Quickly, I make my way over to the front window and look through it. No-one's home. Her parents are probably at work. I check under the doormat in front of the door. There's a spare key. This... feels so odd. Being here, without her with me. All alone. I walk through the living room, taking in the brown furniture. The only one in the family who loved black was N. I sigh. I shouldn't be here, but it feels so _right._ This is the way it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to live here, together with her. I calm down a bit. _Yeah, this is right_. Slowly, I walk up the spiralling stairs to her bedroom. I don't care about the other rooms. This is really the one that matters. I quietly open the door, though I don't know why. I can be as loud as I want. No-one will hear it, anyway. The smell is the first thing I notice this time. It's been a while since I've been in her room, and the smell has gotten better. As if I ate after having been hungry for days. It's so... exciting. So arousing. I take a sniff and walk further into the room. Is there something I haven't noticed yet? Something N could be hiding from me, something beautiful about her personality that I missed? I look around the room, and see a little black notebook on her desk. It doesn't say anything on the front page, like all her other notebooks have something on the front. Carefully, I pick it up and read through the pages one by one. There are poems, so many different poems in N's scratchy handwriting. I read them all, analyzing them, amazed by her talents. These feelings, are they really hers? Love is the main theme in most poems: Heartbreak, forbidden love, unspoken love, platonic love, romantic love... About not being able to love. I sigh again. She's in love with me, but she doesn't want to say it because I'm her best friend. Because she's afraid she'll lose our friendship. I turn the page to the next poem, but I'm stopped by the sound of a car parking in the driveway. Crud, they're here! I quickly put the notebook back where I found in and close the bedroom door.

A key turns in the lock. A low hum. It's her father. He must've noticed the lock was already opened. I hear him walking downstairs, slowly. Carefully. N's dad had always been a bit paranoid. Is he going to check the entire house? I'd have to find a way to get out of here, then. I look over at the window, my only way out. I quietly walk over there, careful not to make too much noise. Then, I slide it open, letting the cool air run over my face. It's almost twilight. For how long have I been in N's room? There's a drainage pipe right besides the window. It's risky, but it's my only chance. _Come on, Mike, you can do this._ I grab on to the pipe and carefully climb out the window. Behind the door, I hear N's dad approaching. It'd be logical for him to check his daughter's room first. When he pokes his head around the door, I'm latched onto the pipe, outside his eyesight. He calls N's name, but nothing happens. Then, he closes the door and walks to his bedroom. I sigh out of relief and let myself glide down the drainage pipe. When my feet safely touch the ground, I run all the way back home. I open the door with my key and I see my mother, fuming. ''Where the Hell have you been?!'' She asks me, almost yelling, ''I was so worried about you! What have I told you about coming back before dark?'' I apologise, out of breath. ''I lost track of time.'' _It's not a complete lie._ My mother tells me I'm grounded and commands me to eat dinner before I go upstairs. It's best to be compliant with mom if she's angry. Perhaps she'll let me go sooner if I'm a good boy.


	2. Chapter 2

She has become my entire world. Bella, Jessica, they're nothing compared to her. I rememer how easily I traded Bella in for Jessica. As if I deserved her. I won't make that same mistake again. I won't trade N in for anyone else. No-one would do. No-one can replace her. And, terrifyingly, I can't do without her. When I'm sitting next to her in class, I need to keep my thoughts in check. Imagining doing things with Bella and Jessica was easy. This is too easy. I don't want to objectify N, like I did with the others. I want to keep her pure, innocent, until she gives me the green light. I don't want to slaunder her name and make her into the whore of my mind. Still, I can't fight back that boyish desire to do things, to imagine things with her. I try to keep those desires at bay, by any means possible. Distracting myself with her, calling her, hearing her voice, seeing her. Reminding myself that she's, above all, a living human who has thoughts and feelings and desires. I don't want to get in her way: I only want to make her experience that much more enjoyable. Still, I can't keep myself from wanting more. To spend more time with her. To see her more often. To watch her walk down the streets, unsuspecting of my prescense. Casual. I want to see her when she's alone, when she can really be herself. I want her to be honest. I want to see all sides of her, good and bad. I want to know everything.

I've done this before, but each time is just as thrilling as the last. Not just the thrill of getting to see her, but also the constant fear of being discovered. I know that, if she finds out what I'm doing, she'll get scared. Terrified, even. It's nervewrecking, following her around everywhere she goes. I need to know what she does next, anticipate how much distance between us is enough. When I need to stop to tie my shoelaces to make sure unsuspecting strangers don't interpret my following right. I've played video games before, but this is so much different. There's more risk. In a video game, you can reset and start over. Perhaps you'll die, but you'll never really lose it all. If I fail, that's it. Game over. I smile. This risk of losing it all- it fills me with a strange sort of adrenaline. I've never been much for doing risky or scary things- heck, I have a weak stomach when it comes to bloody movies- but I guess I discovered my rush. I pull my jacket tighter around myself. Yeah, N is worthy of being a rush. Quickly, she makes her way into the forest. I frown. The forest? N's never told me about this. She isn't going alone, is she? I heard there were wolves in the forest. What if they hunt her? What if she dies? I shudder and swallow a big lump in my throat. I have to follow her. I have to protect her. If a bear tries to kill her, I could always throw myself in front of it. At least she'll live, then. I look around the street: no-one's there. Good. That way, it won't be suspicious if I follow her into the forest. Not that I'll do anything to her, of course. Just to protect her.

Her pace slows when we leave the sounds of the vehicles in Forks behind us and I start hiding behind trees to allow myself to get closer to her. My heart is beating in my chest. _Don't come closer, don't come closer. Don't look over here._ My thoughts are racing with the things I'll say if she discovers me: ''Yeah, I like walking around in the forest as well. It's really calm here.'' ''I didn't know you were walking here. I just happened to stumble upon you.'' ''You looked deep in thought. I figured it wouldn't be kind of me to disturb you.'' I feverishly grip the bark of the tree, hoping she doesn't turn around and see me. Suddenly, she stops and I hide more behind the plant, trying not to make my brightly coloured jacket too visible. She looks at a dead tree that lies at the edge of the path, and sits down on it as if it were a bench. I sigh. She didn't notice me. She rests her elbows on her knees and her head on her hands. I wonder what she's thinking about. She sits there for long, so long even, that the skies turn from the rare light blue you don't see in Forks to a darkish grey while the sun barely starts to set. I've been staring at her for the entire time, sometimes even forgetting to breathe. What could she be thinking about? Her next poem? Her relationship with Jessica? The Cullens? Me...? My knees start to feel weak. The thought that she might love me, that she might care about me the way I care about her, dazzles me every time. I just can't get used to it. I just can't get used to N. It's just not possible. When she notices the darkening of the skies, she quickly gets up and starts walking back the way she came. I gulp and get behind the tree, making sure there's no way she can see me. The way back is much more turbulent that the way there: She seems suspicious, looking around at the trees and bushes with growing shadows and frequently picking up her pace. _She knows something's wrong. Does she know she's being followed?_ I gulp. I don't want to make her feel unsafe. I don't want to make her feel like someone's trying to hurt her. What gruesome possibilities could be going through her mind right now? Kidnapping? Murder? I won't do any of those to her. I'd give my life in order to avoid that ever happening to her. I'd give up anything: My sanity, my fragility... even her, if it makes her feel better. If it stops her from hurting. I'd be her Jesus, dying for her sins, and when I do, I can only hope for her to look up to me and thank me for my sacrifice. That would be enough for me. I realise I'd do anything, just to get her approval. Just to have her love me a fraction of how much I love her. Just to have her touch me, caress me, tell me sweet words, even if they're lies.

When I get home, I climb in through my bedroom window. I left it open when I climbed out of it. Even though it's been about a week, I'm still grounded. I don't really care. It's just a mild inconvenience. Nothing can keep me away from N. Our love is more powerful than that, more powerful than any mother, any animal. Any risk I'll take for her. I'm right on time: I hear my mother shouting that dinner is ready. I take off my jacket and hide it under my bed. Having a jacket on indoors is pretty strange. Then, I quickly make my way downstairs. ''What's for dinner?'' I ask when I sit down at the table. My mom puts a bowl of lasagna on the table and answers: ''What do you think?'' I look over at my dad, who's reading a newspaper. ''You shouldn't be reading at the table,'' I tell him, ''You'll get lasagna on your paper.'' He glances at me and scoffs, but puts away the paper. Still, he doesn't talk to me. He never talks to me. I clench my fists under the table. It's like he doesn't care. Like he doesn't love me or something. My mother joins the table and puts some food on her plate. My father and I follow suit. It's quiet again. My family isn't the best with dinner conversation. Not with me, anyway. I sigh and eat my food, elbow on the table, head in my hand. ''You were very calm today,'' My mother says, ''Usually when you're upstairs you play music or something.'' I chuckle. ''I was doing homework. I'm not always loud, you know.'' Doing homework. That's a plausible excuse for being so silent that I might as well be gone, right? It's quiet around the table. My dad's eating calmly, but my mother seems like she wants to say something. Her face is troubled, her expression that of someone who has to bring the bad news. ''Your... grades are failing,'' She finally states. It's not that I don't know that: I can't concentrate when N is around. At first, I tried to fight it, to keep my performance steady, but when I found that this wasn't doing me any good, I gave up. ''So?'' I ask, not like an angsty teenager who might feel worthless at the thought of having bad grades, who just doesn't want to admit it, but like someone who genuinely doesn't care. Because, honestly, I don't. ''I'm just... worried. You look so tired. Something might be bothering you.'' She glances over at my dad, ''Your father said it was just a phase, that if something was really bothering you, that you'd tell us about it, that you could figure it out on your own, but I doubt that. Just know that... whatever it is, we're here. Okay?'' I sigh. Great. One parent who doesn't care about me, another parent who doesn't have confidence in me. Could it get any better? ''Okay.''

That was the first night I climbed in through her window. She luckily had her window open, probably to keep the dusty smell from bothering her at night. I can't understand what dusty smell she's talking about, but I guess she's used to her own scent and can smell the dust more easily. I sit in the window frame, wondering if this is really the best idea. _Yeah,_ I think, _those parents of mine will never really care about me. They'll keep hurting me. Why do I care what they think? Only N can love me, now. N is everything._ Slowly, I lower myself, letting my feet softly touch the ground of her bedroom floor. Her breath is even, soft. She doesn't snore. I smile. She could've snored with the sound of a loud chainsaw, and I wouldn't care. I take a big sniff of the scent in her room. Vanilla soap. She's showered recently. I look over at her HC hair, wet and sprawled out over the pillow. _I want to touch it._ I shake my head. I'm pushing my luck by just being here. What if she wakes up? What if one of her parents check up on her? Being here is way too risky already, I can't risk myself more by touching her. No, this is fine. I sigh and look at her breathing. She's so calming, so fragile... so easy to be around. She's like a flower. I need to keep her blooming. _My little black rose_. I need to keep my little black rose blooming.

''You want to hang out with me after school?'' N asks me during English. We're sitting together. I glance over at her page, a bunch of different words are written on her notebook page. The ink is dark; it seems she put a lot of pressure on her pen. Is she hurting? ''Sure, I can come over. Just... not immediately after school.'' I'm still grounded, but I don't want to pass up an opportunity to hang out and talk to her. I'll just climb out of my window when I'm home. No-one will know. ''Why?'' ''I- uh- need to go grocery shopping.'' Crud, I stuttered. Will she still believe me? She gives me a strange look, but shrugs. ''Sure. I'll come to your house, then?'' ''N- No, don't worry about it,'' I say, clearly a bit edgy, ''I'll come to your house.'' I can tell she thinks I'm acting strange, but she doesn't mention it. Is it because she wants to be kind? Because she doesn't want to be prying and annoying? I appreciate that. I don't know how much longer I can keep lying to her, though. I'm withholding information from her. I'm hurting. _Selfish, selfish. N wouldn't do that. N is nicer. N would never lie to me. Not unless she has a good reason._ I remember when she wandered around in the forest, but blamed that on my own disinterest. _If I would've actually cared about her, I would've asked. She would've told me._

It's so amazing to be here with her again. It's been a while since I've actually been in her house with her. It's just so different: She brings sunlight to the room. She makes me happy. ''My parents aren't home. Would you like to watch a movie?'' She asks me, and I nod. I don't really care what we do, as long as we're together. ''All right, what do you want to watch?'' She asks as she kneels down by the DVD cabinet. ''Well, what do _you_ want to watch?'' I ask back. She shakes her head. ''You'll get sick if we follow my desires.'' ''I don't care.'' It was out before I could think about it. Did it sound romantic? I hope it sounded romantic. It would just be awkward, otherwise. N frowns. ''Are... you sure?'' I nod and she takes out a DVD of one of the goriest horror movies. ''This one's always a laugh,'' She says. Then, she takes a deep breath and continues, serious this time: ''Just tell me if you're feeling ill, all right? You know I won't judge you for it.'' I smile at her. ''Don't worry. I've got it.''

I sit down on the soft couch and N immediately cuddles up to me. Shit, I forgot! How could I forget how cuddly she is? The places where her body is touching mine seem to scortch me, but not in the bad way. It's statisfying. Arousing. My heart speeds up, but not like it usually does in the romantic novels. No, much faster. As if I'm in the middle of Gym class. N notices my loss of composure: She gets off of me and asks me if I'm uncomfortable. I shake my head, almost desperate to have her touch me again. _Please, cuddle up to me again. Please, I'm begging you._ She smiles wryly at me, as if I lost my mind and she pities me, and rests her body against mine again. With a trembling hand, I wrap my arm around her waist. I can hardly follow the movie: I need all my concentration to make sure my breathing isn't too quick: She's resting against me, she can feel my breaths. She can feel it if I'm breathing too quickly, too loudly. _Calm down, Mike. She'll notice if you keep freaking out like this. If you keep being weird._ I frown at the word. Weird. Is that me? Am I... weird? I internally shake my head. I'm not weird, I'm just very passionate. The TV screen is almost entirely red with blood and I hear a man suffering, but I don't care. I can stare at it without even blinking, and still, I don't feel an ounce of disgust. Things have taken an interesting turn. When have I learned this power? I glance at N, who's trying to hold her laughter, and realise that she's the key. She's all that matters. I'm too distracted by her to even mind the blood in the movie. She pulls herself closer to me and I embrace her tighter.

Then, she frowns and looks up at me, her face just inches away from mine. I take a glance at her black lips and feel the overwhelming urge to kiss her. To envelop myself with her. ''I know something odd is going on with you,'' She tells me, but I don't comprehend what she's saying. I have to try too hard not to press my face against hers to understand her. I just nod. ''I just... figured you'd tell me yourself when you're ready to, but still.'' She sighs and looks away. _Come closer, come closer. Pull away, pull away._ ''I'm just... so confused. What is up with you? What're you doing? You're out of character so suddenly, I feel like you owe me an explanation.'' In the background, the main character screams when he, too, dies. ''Of course, it might just be because you endured something traumatic. In that case, me being prying is the last thing you need.'' _She's right, though,_ I think to myself, _I do owe her an explanation. Just... not now..._ ''If it's something with Jessica... or your parents... or something, just tell me, okay? I'm sick with worry.'' She squeezes me.

That does it. I break. Quickly, I pull her towards me while I tilt my head to make sure our noses don't bump into each other. I did this a few times with Jessica, but it feels so new to me now. When our lips touch, all my thoughts tune out. There's just us: her warm body against mine. Her parents aren't home. _Oh, her parents aren't home..._ I let go of a little whine. It just feels so good to have her lips press against mine. This is the way it's supposed to be. I hear a small sound of surprise come from her, and I wake up. _Pull away, pull away!_ The kiss didn't last for more than a second, but it already feels like I'm on third base. ''S- sorry,'' I manage, hoarsely, ''I- I couldn't...'' She shakes her head. ''Do it again.'' She tells me, seemingly just as exhasperated as I am. Quickly, too quickly, I abide her command and kiss her again, longer this time. She pulls me onto her, caresses my hair, my face. _She loves me. She loves me._ That thought feels so much better than anything else in the world. Better than the feeling of her kiss, better than being with her, better than touching her. Static seems to be moving though my body as I push her against me. _Closer, closer._ I can't get any closer. She's already propped up against me. She seems to have the same desire, but that might be my imagination. I need to be careful, I remember, I might interpret the things she does wrong, and I might accidentally do something she isn't comfortable with. I don't want to hurt her. She pulls me off of her and pushes me flat back against the couch. Then, she lays on top of me. ''There, that's better,'' She whispers and starts kissing me again.

We're sitting together on her bed, holding hands. ''So... that was what was bothering you, wasn't it?'' She looks over at me and smile. I smile back automatically and nod. ''I've never been so in love with anyone before.'' N looks away, a little sad. ''Not even with Bella?'' I shake my head. ''That was just attraction. _This,_ this is love.'' I give her a little kiss on the cheek. She sighs. We sit in silence for a while, just pondering. I look at N, her breathing, the way her chest slowly rises and falls. I wish I could hear her thoughts. I wish I could know every single thing about her. I wish I was attached to her, being able to be wherever she is. Being able to know everything about her. She runs her thumb over mine and shuffles her feet. She looks uncomfortable. '''Somethin' wrong?'' I ask her and she nods. ''Last week, when I went to Jeanette, my dad was angry when I came home. He said I didn't close my bedroom window _and_ left the front door unlocked.'' My fingertips run cold. _That was me. Will she find out?_ ''Scary thing is, I'm sure I closed the window and locked the door. I'm absolutely positive.'' She clears her throat and I can see her breathing faster. ''I just... wonder what that was. Did someone break in? Why? They didn't steal anything valueable. It's like they just went into the house to wander around...'' She gulps. ''My dad's worried someone might be targeting me. He already called the police and Chief Swan promised to keep an eye on the house. See if anyone stops by...'' She stops. It's my turn to run my thumb over hers. I want to tell her it was me, and that there's nothing to worry about, but in my mind, I know that won't calm her. It won't help. ''It's okay,'' I tell her, ''Forks is a small town. If anyone is targeting you, the population will quickly know who it is. This isn't a dangerous place, N. It'll be okay.'' She sighs. ''I'm just... scared. I've never been in any real danger. I don't know how to fight. I don't know what to do. I don't know who this person is...'' A small tear appears in the corner of her eye. I quickly embrace her and rub her back. ''It's okay,'' I murmur, ''It's okay. Maybe you're not being followed. Maybe you _did_ forget to lock the door...'' _I hurt her, I hurt her..._ I'm so angry with myself. There should be some way to punish myself from all those stupid things I did, for all those times I hurt her. There should be some type of revenge I can take on myself. Retribution for my sins. _Should I... cut myself? No, she might see the scars and worry about me._ N slowly calms down and I let her go. ''Would you like to have a sleepover with me?'' She asks.


	3. Chapter 3

I gulp. My mom won't let me sleep over, not for a million dollars. Still, I want to stay with her. To watch her sleep again, to make her feel safe. I tense up. There could be an excuse. Something I can do to stay with her. I sigh and decide to tell her the truth: ''Truth is, I'm grounded. I'm not allowed to be here. That's why I had to return home: My mom thinks I'm in my room, doing homework or sleeping or something. I can't sleep over, at least, not in the traditional sense. Your parents can't know. My parents can't know. What I _can_ do, is go home, join dinner and climb out of the window when I tell my parents I'm going to sleep. Are you... okay with that?'' N is silent for a second, her mouth opening and closing like that of a fish. Her confusion is really cute. ''I... I don't know what to say,'' She finally answers, ''You... did all of that for me? You'd... walk home and walk all the way back here, just to be able to have a sleepover?'' A faint blush appears on her cheeks as she stares at me in bewilderment. I nod. ''Of course. It's well worth it.'' She blinks and shakes her head. ''I can't accept that. It's too much. You're doing too much for me.'' I smile. ''But, it's not only for you. It's for me, too. I _want_ to do this. I _want_ to have an illegal sleepover with you.'' She presses her lips together. ''Well, if you insist... Just, call me if you change your mind, all right? If you feel like it's not worth it anymore...'' I shake my head. ''Not gonna happen.''

I have silent dinner with my parents, and afterwards I take my pajamas and a pillow and climb out of my window. I've gotten pretty good at traversing the wall, but I'm still having difficulties, especially if I'm holding something. I quickly run over to N's house and pick up one of the small pebbles off of the street. I throw it at the closed window. After a few pebbles hit it, she appears behind the window and opens it. I quickly climb up the drainage pipe and N takes my pajamas and pillow off my hands when I arrive at her window. I thank her for the help and climb inside. ''You're... good at that,'' She says hesitantly, ''I didn't expect you to climb up a wall so easily.'' I shrug. ''I've always been more of a sporty type.'' She giggles and nods. ''You can go to the bathroom to redress. I'll stay here.'' I nod and take my pajamas to the bathroom. It's a small bathroom: A shower, a sink, a mirror and a toilet are crammed into a tight space, just enough to move around comfortably. White tiles line the walls and the floor is laid in with somewhat bigger, light blue tiles. I look over to the sink, where three toothbrushes and a tube of toothpaste lay neatly next to each other. One of those brushes is N's, but which one? Probably the dark purple one. It seems oddly out of place between the white and yellow toothbrushes. Instincively, I reach over at it and pick it up. A blush appears on my cheeks. _N used this toothbrush..._ I inspect it, bringing it closer to my face. _You've already kissed her. Isn't that enough?_ My stomach contracts and I sigh. _No. It's never enough. I want more. I'll continue until I know everything about her. I won't stop until I die._ Slowly, I bring it toward my mouth. _This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is so, so wrong._ I put the toothbrush in my mouth. I taste her, I feel her. _This is right. This is right. This is right. This is so, so right._ I moan when I feel the soft bristles caress my teeth. I know she washed the brush after she had it in her mouth, but I'm sure there's a remnant of her saliva on it _somewhere_. I take it out of my mouth, aroused. _I can't go back to N like this. She'll notice._ I quickly wash the brush, put it back in its place and put my pajamas on. When I walk back into N's room, I've calmed down a bit.

''Where... should I sleep?'' I ask. I hadn't thought about the conundrum yet. N giggles. ''We'll sleep in my bed.'' My body tenses up: _Sleep with her in her bed? In such close proximity to her? Will I be able to control myself, then?_ I gulp and climb in bed with her. It is already warm under the sheets, her vanilla shampoo is the most prominent smell in the bed. She cuddles up to me and my heart starts beating like that of a hummingbird. ''You're... so nervous,'' she says shyly and chuckles, ''It's cute.'' I also chuckle and wrap my arms around her. She closes her eyes, but I can't seem to do the same. The tenseness of having her here, on me, willingly making herself vulnerable, is too much. I can't stop the energy from flowing through my system, although I'm completely still. She moves her head on my chest, possibly trying to get a more comfortable angle and hums. I think I can see a small smile on her lips. Slowly, her breathing becomes more and more even until she's asleep. She's just like last time I saw her sleep, but closer to me. Cuddling me. Trusting me. I could never ask for more. Asking for more would be greedy. I'm so, so greedy. She deserves my every second, my every thought. I want to dedicate my life to her, worship her like a goddess. I want to be her everything. I sigh and she embraces me tighter in my sleep. This is perfect. This is Heaven. Slowly, I drift off to sleep as well, every second of my dream featuring N.

I wake up early in the morning, while N is still sleeping. I decide to watch her, listen to her slow, even breaths and feel how her chest rises and falls against mine. _She's so perfect._ To be able to see her like this, in the sparse light of the morning, is beyond me. I was under the impression that this could only happen in my wildest dreams, but once again, I've been proven wrong. I caress her hair and look at the clock. It's a little past zeven AM. I've still got a few hours before it's time to go. I usually get up very late, so my parents wouldn't worry if I come downstairs at twelve or something. N makes a few cute sounds in her sleep and moves around a litte. _She's waking up already?_ She mumbles a little, then her eyes slowly open. She yawns. ''Good morning, NN,'' I mumble. N hmmm's and embraces me tighter. I think I can hear a little ''good morning'' back, but I'm not sure. It seems she wants to stay in bed. That's fine. I can do that for her. It's silent again, every bit of my attention focused on N's breathing. It's not even anymore, a little bit quicker. She's awake. I smile. _She's awake and she still wants to cuddle with me._ I'm not sure how much time passes. With N, every second feels like a day, and every day feels like a second. Time stays still with her. Time has no meaning with her. I want to stay like this, in our own little eternity. Wouldn't that be amazing? If it could be like this for eternity? I take a look at the clock. Nine AM. I've been looking at her for two hours now. What a wonderful two hours. I notice her breathing has gone even again. _Everything is wonderful. Everything is perfect._ I stop. How will I function if N isn't there? How will I function when she's gone, when she's away? When there's no possible way I can see her? _I don't think I can function without her anymore._ That thought both scares and excites me. _Finally, a way for me to punish myself. I'll have to follow her for eternity..._

Sadly, everything comes to an end, and so does our sleepover. I dress myself, pack up my stuff and leave for my house, but not before N pulls me towards her for a quick kiss. A little lightheaded, I climb out the window and walk home. I can't stop thinking about that sweet, sweet kiss. It was so short, but just long enough to be exciting. It was like a tease. I want more. I shake my head. _Patience, Mike. You can't have more yet._ I sigh and climb into my bedroom. There, I dress in my pajamas again, just for good measure. I rub my eyes and walk downstairs, to a mother who turns around, obviously furious about something. ''Micheal James Isaac Newton! Where the _fuck_ were you?!'' I've never heard my mother use swearwords around me, not when she's sober, anyway. I gulp. ''I was... in my room...'' I lie weakly. My mom shakes her head. ''I went to your room to deliver your laundry to see that you're not there. You're a legal adult, Mike! When will you grow up? Do I still have to lock you up in your room or something?'' I look at the ground. ''I was spending time with N...'' My mother grunts. ''Sneaking out to spend time with your friends! You're not sixteen anymore, Micheal.'' I sigh. ''I know, mom.'' ''I guess I can't punish you anymore, since grounding you won't work, anyway. Just...'' She shakes her head, ''Do whatever the heck you want. I can't control you anymore.'' I nod and go up to my room. My mother's given up on me. That hurts.

So I follow N again. Everywhere she goes, I go with her. Time passes quickly and before I know it, the weekend is over, announcing the beginning of a new school day. A day with lessons that aren't with N... I gulp. This can't be good. I'm sure I can't make it until the end of chemistry before the pain begins to be too much. I need to see her. I have to be with her. Without much remorse, I skip class, taking my time to find the best way to watch N during the lessons instead. Usually, she sits by the window, which is good. It's an easy way for me to watch her, but sometimes, she sits all the way in the back of the class, away from my view. Those are the most frustrating lessons. But, sometimes she sits next to me, and those are the best lessons, because then I can watch her up close. I can watch her breathing, smell her scent, watch the way her lips move as she writes down notes. I love it when I can see just how amazing she is. After school, I intend to join her on her way home, but decide to stay behind when Jessica asks N to come with her. I sneer. What does Jessica want? She's been a bitch to N the entire time, why ask her something _now_? I bet she just wants to use NN. I get a little closer to hear what they're saying, but try to stay out of sight.

''What's going on with Mike?'' She asks N, her tone accusing, ''What've you done to him?'' N shakes her head. ''I don't know, I swear. He's just sort of... acting on his own. If there was anything I could do to help him, I would.'' Jessica shakes her head. ''The way he's staring at you all the time, the bags under his eyes, his failing grades, and now, he's skipping the classes he doesn't have with you. I see more than I let on, you know.'' N shakes her head. ''I- I don't know what to do... I've been trying to keep him happy, but it doesn't seem to work.'' She's trying to hide it, but I can see she's panicking. If I butt in now, Jessica won't have any more chance to interrogate my sweet NN. I decide to risk it. Quickly, I walk towards N, acting as if I'd just found her. ''There you are, N! I've been looking all over for you!'' I quickly glance over at Jessica, just to seem somewhat natural. N sighs deeply, relieved. ''Thank you Mike,'' she seems to think. Oh, how I wish I could read her thoughts. ''Well,'' Jessica starts, ''Why don't we ask Mike what's up?'' I look at her, surprised. _What a bitch!_ N gulps. ''What's going on, Mike?'' Jessica asks me, not being careful in the slightest, ''We know there's something wrong, _and we want to know what_.'' N shyly nods, ''We're so worried about you.'' I grin. ''There's no need to worry. Everything's fine.'' Jessica nods and says sarcastically: ''Yeah, of course you are. You've got bags under your eyes, your grades are failing and you're skipping class. Everything is a-okay.'' She rolls her eyes, ''Are we a joke to you?'' I sigh. ''Listen, what is going on with me is none of your concern. My parents are getting help.'' N shakes her head, ''We're just so afraid that you're doing illegal things or worse, hurting yourself- in a town like this, where the weather is always horrible, you can wear long-sleeved shirts...'' I smile and shake my head. ''It's not like that, N,'' I tell her, ''It'll be okay. Just trust me on this one.'' She sighs and solemnly nods. Jessica crosses her arms. ''We should get going,'' I tell N and she nods. ''Bye, Jessica.'' ''Goodbye.'' Jessica turns around and makes for her car, while N and I start to walk to her home. N stops. ''Don't you need to take your car?'' She asks awkwardly, and I shake my head, ''I'll walk you home.'' She smiles and shakes her head, ''Don't do that for me. It's too much. Just be on your way, Mikey.'' I shudder. _She's got a nickname!_ ''D- Do you not like that?'' She asks, her face already turning red, ''I can drop it if you want...'' ''No!'' I wildly shake my head, ''It's perfect.'' She sighs, relieved. ''Still, isn't it too much for you to walk all the way to my house, and then all the way to your house?'' I shake my head. ''It's my pleasure.'' She shrugs. ''Okay... whatever you want...''

After I dropped N off at her house, I hide myself in the frontyard, watching every move I can see. I wait there, watching her talk to her parents, watch something on television... She goes upstairs and makes it impossible for me to see what she's doing, so I decide to leave. Perhaps I can do some homework so N won't be too worried about my grades...

When I get home, I see chief Swan sitting at the dinner table. I smile at him. My parents must've invited him over or something. I want to go up to my room, but my mother stops me. ''You're in trouble, Micheal,'' She tells me. I tilt my head, and she continues, ''Big trouble.'' I turn around to look at chief Swan, who orders me to sit across from him. He clears his throat. ''Let me just get straight to the point: We've seen you following N.'' My heart stops. He saw me? When? Where was he? Was he in one of those disguised police cars from the movies? I try to gulp, but my mouth and throat are dry. I can't seem to breathe. ''We'd like to know if you're the one who broke into your house on the sixth?'' The sixth? When was that again? ''I- I don't know...'' ''About a week ago.'' I sigh. Should I tell him? Why should I? He shouldn't need to know. Then again, I don't want N to feel like she's in danger. If I could just explain... ''Yes,'' I whisper, ''It was me...''

Chief Swan writes this down while my mom leaves the room. '' _Why_ are you following miss LN?'' He askes. I bite my lip. ''Isn't it... obvious?'' I murmur, ''She's... everything...'' The police officer leans closer, ''What do you mean, Mr. Newton?'' I shake my head. ''I love her, chief.'' He frowns. ''Why don't you just spend time with her normally, then? Why tresspass?'' ''Because,'' I suck in a deep breath of air, ''You'd never understand. If I'm not close to her, if I'm not there to protect her, it feels like she can die at any moment. I _need_ to be there with her. On top of that, if I'm not with her, I'm... hurting. I can't take it.'' Chief Swan writes something down, obviously confused. ''I'll have to give you a fine for tresspassing, young man,'' He says, ''And... I'll inform your parents and N's about your- uh- condition. I bet a psycologist could help.'' I sigh and lean my head on the table. _I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy..._

I look N in the eyes. I know she knows. I know she knows that I know. She shakes her head. ''I can't believe...'' She sighs. ''I just... never expected- I- I don't know what to say, Mike.'' I look at the ground. This is my final punishment. I've been a bad person, and this is my payment for it. ''Mike, what the heck were you thinking?'' I shake my head. ''You don't want to know what I was thinking.'' Her shoulders droop. ''I know...'' She kicks away a little bit of dirt with her foot. ''Will you... be all right?'' She asks me, ''You've got a psychologist now, haven't you?'' I nod. ''Then you'll be fine, right? You'll go to therapy, get rid of this strange obsession...'' She pauses. ''You'll be able to love me normally, won't you?'' I look at her, honestly. No more lying this time around. ''I... don't know, N. But, I'll try, because, well, I'd do anything for you.'' N breathes out through her nose. ''O...kay. I think I can live with that.''


End file.
